How feelings make me feel
Feelings
float,
fully formed
below the surface of me
banished
because
anger was not welcome at home.
In solidarity
all my emotions went with anger
camping out away from me.
Now i need them
to know who i am, how i wish to react what i desire,
but i am now uncomfortable with them
having been out of contact for so long
these feelings seem enormous though they sending small messages.
It’s like meeting relatives
after many years apart
and finding though you are connected
you are not connecting.
Still,
lonely without them
I try
remembering all beginning is laced with
learning.
Covering the sky
Clouds cover
sky blue
grey whites
flying over me.
They talk of rain,
the possibilies of wetness,
falling down,
and being left on the ground.
Clouds tend to make me indescive.
Will it rain, won’t it?
Umbrella, I hate to carry it but….
Bike, a ride would be nice…although…
Cloud greyness
differing from the deepness of blue
touching me
with little regard for happiness.
Like all colours
grey is know to emotions/feelings
and when it appears
those it is closest to
gather round.
Now
as I sit in the presence
of a world
covered in grey/white
sadness, depression, melencoly gather.
They sit with me
chatting among themselves
about greys good qualities
and what a nice colour grey is.
No offence to them,
but I personally hope blue
will be back soon
covering the sky.
Surprise
I feel good inside;
like i may be able to
take on the world.
I walk out the door,
smiling,
expecting a good outing.
‘Surprise!’ life says.
I meet people
and anxiety takes hold
suddenly
drowning out my smile.
I look down and away
from peoples gaze.
It is like being in a canoe
and shooting the rapids well.
You feel good.
Then suddenly
the swirls and eddies of the rapids
the crashing water
turn the canoe
spin it
and you are at a loss
as to how
you can regain control.
This is what anxiety is like
now;
I look away
I walk fast
I tense if people are near me
and if i must wait,
it is at a safe distance from people.
I am in the anxiety and
know it;
but it seems impossible
to regain control.
A Locked Heart
Searching inside myself
i find my heart
locked up.
I can’t remember locking it,
but there it is
locked.
I guess it makes sense,
this locked heart,
because for a while now
i have had trouble
finding my emotions.
Whispers of them do touch
my present
softly telling of how i feel;
burt not with a certainty
or a loudness
that signals clearly to me
that i feel such and such
about such and such.
Sometimes though
my heart gets popped open
when extremely angry
people are around;
and then, unusually,
i am very in touch with my anger.
Other times
when i am with someone
whos is very excited or happy
i can feel the strain it takes
for my heart to remain locked;
i become still, all of me freezes
as my heart keeps breaches from happening
as feelings stir within it
awakened
by the loudness of anothers expression.
