Skitzophrenic Trees
Leaves fall,
striking the earth
steathily
but,
announce their intentions
with wild colour change.
Those crazy leaves.
Surprise
I feel good inside;
like i may be able to
take on the world.
I walk out the door,
smiling,
expecting a good outing.
‘Surprise!’ life says.
I meet people
and anxiety takes hold
suddenly
drowning out my smile.
I look down and away
from peoples gaze.
It is like being in a canoe
and shooting the rapids well.
You feel good.
Then suddenly
the swirls and eddies of the rapids
the crashing water
turn the canoe
spin it
and you are at a loss
as to how
you can regain control.
This is what anxiety is like
now;
I look away
I walk fast
I tense if people are near me
and if i must wait,
it is at a safe distance from people.
I am in the anxiety and
know it;
but it seems impossible
to regain control.
Quiet Things
Sun shines
on the closing day.
A soccer whistle sounds
touching the evening breeze
rising above
the cheers and shouts
that follow
the soccer balls progress.
I contemplate self mutilation;
pain infliction
seems like a good idea.
Cover despair with blood
and
at the same time
punish myself for my inadequacies:
a two for one.
God asks me not to do it;
it hurts Him when i raw my arm,
and i am worth the effort to bear despair.
I don’t know if i can comply with His request.
His concern, caring, give me pause,
mean a lot.
I consider and would stop,
if i had another method,
to quiet things.
Without a box
I Sit here,
outside
wanting people-away from me.
My body language
imperative-unclean!
People do
give me a wide berth
to avoid being impaled
on my
spikes.
I want to talk
with someone
about this.
Open my heart
and let
emotions,
confused thoughts,
pain,
reasons?,
scatter
at
their feet,
hoping that they are good at puzzles,
and can help me
put this jumble
together,
because the pieces
came without a box.
A Comforting Realization
Strangeness scurries,
through my actions.
Sometimes
i still think that i am ok,
no longer of anxiety.
Then strangeness happens,
pushing normalcy to the side,
leaving me embarrassed,
disappointed.
I expect too much.
Stepping toward something
does not mean
i will then arrive
at my destination.
I step outside the door
on my way to florida
and i am in…florida!?
Now that’s strange.
This immediate arrival
would be stranger
than strangeness
still appearing in me.
copyright jens 2007
